Suicide  Bullying  depression


Emails from people who have "been there, done that" - they have lost someone to suicide, have thought of, or are

thinking about suicide. Emails from people enduring, or have endured bullying or have suffered from depression.

Other people's stories...  DECEMBER 2000

Dec. 27 - Beck says...
"I don't really know why i'm writing to you, i just feel so alone and mixed up right now and need to let it out to someone else who knows how i feel...  14 Months ago my brother took his own life, he was my best friend, we did everything together, he always tried to protect me from our abusive uncle and he was the only one who ever listened to me. 6 months ago i tried to join him only to fail, ending up on life support for 4 weeks, nobody understood why i wanted to be with him again, some said i was selfish, maybe i am, i don't know but he was my soul mate and i need him. Anyway because i missed my brother so much i neglected my little sister who missed him also, i was not there for her and never listened to her when she said she hates him for screwing up our family and that she wished it was her who had died. because i never listened to her she killed herself just yesterday and i just can't do this anymore... i feel so i don't know what i feel, i know i need to get help, i know all the right things to do like go to the hospital or whatever but i just don't want to go on anymore, its just too painful. I want to be with them again and i just feel dead inside. I want to close my eyes and never wake up but then  i don't want to hurt my mum and dad for a third time. Am i being selfish by wanting to end this pain, there is nothing left for me anymore and i just can't go on."  (...I do understand how you feel.  Its common to have thoughts of suicide after a loved one dies, by any means, and it's worse if there is no counseling after a suicide.  You didn't tell me how old you were but I'm thinking that you are still a teenager, or a young man.  This is also a hard time in a person's life because of all the changes, physically and mentally, going on inside (and outside) the body.   Beck, I don't know if you will write me back so I'm going to give you my very best advice right now.  You need a spiritual life.  A purpose, a reason to live.  Your brother and sister did not have this... they saw no purpose or reason to be here on the earth.  They couldn't see into their future. They were so depressed that they were walking in a cloud and they couldn't see the daylight.   Go to my webpage called, The Meaning of Life, and read it thoroughly until you understand it inside and out.  This is the beginning of living for you.  Life is not meant to be so sad.  It's a short time to learn, serve, experience, and love.  You must find your purpose and passion for living. (The Talent page can give you some ideas too.)  You and your family must go to counseling as soon as possible.  I recommend that you attend S.O.S (Survivors of Suicide) meetings or The Compassionate Friends chapter meetings as often as possible for the next few months and a private counselor would be good too if your family can afford it. Look for S.O.S. meetings in the newspaper or call a local Chaplaincy for details.   "...some said i was selfish, maybe i am"  No, that's an uneducated person talking.  Suicide attempts and completed suicide is always a cry for help and an act caused from depression, anxiety, or other related problems.   Fighting depression will be a hard job for the entire family, but it will become easier for you and your family, with time, as you find your purpose and understand the meaning of your life here on earth.   I wish I could be there to give you the hugs and comfort you and your family need right now... pretend I'm giving you one right now.  I wish for you a spirit of peace, love and understanding as you grieve from the loss of your sister, and your brother.)

Dec. 26 - WRM says...
"you're story of Jared's life ended abruptly just as his life must have.  I just want to know what went wrong with such a seemingly happy boy.  It sounds much like my brother whom I just lost to suicide in Oct., 2000."  (See answers below)

Dec. 19 - Sarah says...
"I was looking at your site it is so fantastic. I couldn't find out why he died and how he died? could you please tell me. I'm so sorry for your loss. ...I lost a friend in July 2000 i was in such a mess :(   everyday i think about suicide. because i hate my life." (Jared died by suicide with a gun, a few months after being assaulted inside his Middle School by a bully.  He became depressed, not sleeping well and was unable to concentrate.  He was a mellow kid as it was, so we had no clue that he was having depression.  Jared didn't warn us about how he was feeling, about wanting to die.  That's really the only thing I'm still upset about, because we would of done anything to help him if he'd of just asked.   Do you think that you might have depression?  One of the "triggers" of depression is the loss of a loved one or friend.  You need to get some help if you are down all the time, either counseling and prescription drugs or herbs.  Don't let yourself get so far down that you begin to hate life.  Be sure and ask someone to help you...  Life is good!)

Dec. 18 - "unknown" says...
"I am 17 years old and on May 21st of 2000 my boyfriend and best friend of 4 years committed suicide while I was in the next room.  He shot himself in the mouth and died instantly.  I had to hear and then see this. I had to call 911.  I just wanted to let you know that I admire you and that I too have tried to help with suicide prevention.  My boyfriend gave absolutely no indication ever that he had even thought of something like that.  Suicide is claiming more and more people's life's daily.  I even had to drop out of high school because of the lack of knowledge that is out about suicide,  my school refused to even acknowledge what had happened.  I just want to thank you on behalf of my family and myself  for doing and trying to educate people on suicide and what it does to those left behind..." (I am so sorry to hear about your loss.   This is a trauma that you can never forget, but time will help you to deal with your grief and pain.  I commend you for working to help others see the importance of education to prevent suicide.  It's unfortunate that schools don't seem to care much about suicide... the unspoken word.  They are scared that if it's talked about that kids may want to do it, but that's garbage!  Kids need to know if they are depressed and need help.  They wander around not knowing what it is that's making them feel like dying.  They need to be educated so they can get help for depression.  All I can say is GO FOR IT!  Get the word out, for your friend, my son, and others whose lives you will save by trying.)

Dec 17 - "BadKitty" says...
"i have been suicidal for 4 years and depressed for as long as i can remember... the #1 reason is FAMILY yes family the end all we want it to be happy and it hurts...
and later... thank u for answering my letter you know there is no such thing as a perfect family every family has problems and most of the time they don't even know it ...a lot of the time its hard 4 us to tell u how we feel.  we want to handle it on r own, we want to be big girls and boys. i know the last time i tried to slit my wrist i want to stop but couldn't and i call and called for my mommy but she couldn't hear me and so never came and after a 1/2 hour of calling i gave up and just then she walks in to put my clothes up and sees me and do u know what the first thing she does is ...she slaps me and says not again. never once did she kiss me or hug me or tell me i love u or say it will all be ok. no see this is what we fear and 4 me i will never trust her again..." (Yes, family is definitely a factor of depression, especially if no one seems to care about helping you.   It makes me sad to hear about how your mother has treated you. I wish you had a better family life... I hope you can find an adult somewhere who will take the time to listen to you and give you the love, attention and care you deserve.)

Dec 15 - Angela says...
"...My father committed Suicide on January 7, 1988.  I have suffered in silence since that time. I am 30 now and keep having dreams that people are coming to me and asking me questions about what time Fred ( my dad ) shot himself and then what time he died. This year I have went through some major depression. I finally went  to his grave this year on Thanksgiving day. I have never went- my family has been destroyed by this and we don't even talk to each other.  Prior to  my dad's suicide, my mother left with his best friend - left me in a hotel room- I was the last one to see him in my immediate family. ...I need some help dealing with all this. --I started counseling for a brief period my therapist was overbooked and I got frustrated I needed to be talk to her for more than once a month.  She did say she thought I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but did not  offer any suggestions on what to do about it.  ...I am determined to help others so Fred's death is not in vain.  I must first help my self------ and because you have been able to do this- I thought you could give me some insight." (Thirteen years is a long time to suffer in silence but I believe that you are beginning to vent all your grief, something that should of been done long ago.  It's better to get the grieving over right after a tragedy happens, but when people clam up and set "it" aside and refuse to talk about the pain it can go on for years, or in your case surface after a very long time.  You can know when the healing begins to take place, because the blame subsides and forgiveness comes into your life.  It can be a long journey for some people.   ...Also, have you checked out The Compassionate friends?  They are everywhere and they have group meetings that might be helpful to you.)

Dec. 14 - Caitlin says...
"...i've e-mailed you before about my cousin who tried to slit her wrists and I just found out that she took 11 pills of ritalin the other day and is now in another hospital in Queens, NY.  I am so concerned about her b/c she hated her psychiatrist and he gave up on her and she promised me that she wouldn't do this to herself anymore and I just don't know what to do for her... I cant control it and that hurts me so much-- do you have any advice?  Do you know if ritalin can kill a person or why a person would take 11 of them...? ...Thank you for all of your help and advice... it is very much appreciated... :o)" (I don't know much about ritalin but I would imagine that any drug can kill if too much is taken.  I think it would be wise for her parents to lock up all these drugs and disperse them to her personally everyday.  But, that won't stop her from finding something else to harm herself if she really wants to.  This violence against herself has to be stopped inside her brain.  It's a psychological problem and she needs to want to get better.  All you can do is give her unconditional love and keep encouraging her to get some help.)

Dec. 9 - Melissa says...
"...i am 12 years old and live in midland tx.  for the last 2 years i have had thoughts of suicide. they come and go on and on but sometimes never go away until the next day. i try @ least 3-5 times a week.  i have talked 2 friends about it but really nobody believes me which makes me mad and want 2 do it more. i feel as though i don't belong here. i am wanting 2 let other teens older and younger 2 know about this problem and try 2 help them. your web page really got 2 me and i want 2 help also. i was wondering if u could give me some information on how 2 do a website [etc]" (Your friends just don't understand depression, so don't get too upset with them.  Even we didn't know that Jared was depressed, ...most adults don't understand it either.  Yeah, you are meant to be here on earth... it's your job to find out why, and there are zillions of good reasons.  Life is wonderful when you have your meaning and purpose for living.)

Dec. 8 - Tara says...
"I lost my 26 year old brother, Paul, to suicide on December 24, 1998. Thank you for your lovely site.  You've inspired me to do the same thing for my brother." (That's wonderful that you would honor your brother with a website.  The one great blessing I have received from doing this website is healing.  By talking with others, such as you, I've been able to come to terms with my loss much quicker than if I had not done  Let me know when your site is done.  I would like to pay a visit.)

Dec. 8 - Sharon says...
"I really enjoyed your web site a great deal.  Thanks for writing it.  We have lost two of our family to suicide this past summer.  They were both thirty-four.  One was my sister in law.  The other was my nephew. Though they were three days apart the deaths were not related.   I have really been hurting over it all.  ...I would like more information on the TCF organization for my sister if you could locate more. She lives near San Bernardino in California.  I live in San Diego... she could come here to go also if that is more available. (Your family has had more than a fair share of grief to go through.  I hope you begin to heal soon, but I know this is a lifelong process... day by day.  The Compassionate Friends, TCR, have Chapters all over the country and I'm sure they would have several to pick from in your large communities.  The National Office phone number is 877-969-0010.   Going to these meetings are really good for self emotional healing.  They help you to talk out your feelings, and listening to other stories will help you to see that you are not alone.)

Dec. 7 - Abby says...
"Hey! Well I am doing this research paper about teen suicide. The whole thing started is cause we were sitting in class and people were making fun of other people. I stood up and said in front of the class "You guys shouldn't be making fun of people, you don't really know what they go threw." Because I do know that some people commit suicide because of it...  Do you have any research or websites about it (suicide)?  ...Well I better get back to researching..." (You are a very brave person to take a stand as you did in front of your class.  That tells me that you are a leader, not a follower, and you will make a difference in this world.  Go get that A!!!)
and later...  I had a friend that died over drugs. She was at her house and she took a pill, and I don't know if she knew what it was. But she took it. Her brother was asleep on the couch and she kept on saying *Adam get up and, he wouldn't wake up. 2 hours later he woke up and saw her laying on the floor. He kept on saying *Michelle wake up please please wake up. She wouldn't wake up and she had Blood and foam running down her mouth. She was my best friend in the whole wide world.  Not a day does not go by that I don't think of her. I miss her sooo.... much!!!"

Dec. 5 - Tameria says...
...My 13 year old son Ryan recently took his own life here at home (Friday, Oct. 27, 2000).  My heart goes out to you.  I just wanted to say that I have seen many memorial sites over the last three weeks and this is the best site.  I am more than certain that Jared can see what you have done in his memory and feels your eternal love even at this moment."

Dec. 2 - Suzy says...
"...I cannot imagine your loss but I thank you for your courage to print all that you did.  I have been on both sides of the spectrum more times than I would like to remember.  I was lucky enough that it was always only 'attempts'.  The reason I discovered your webpage is because I am directing at a local high school.  I am 20 years old, I have attempted suicide about 3 times.  I had an older brother who attempted three times as well.  My father had lost a brother and a sister to suicide.  I remember when I was eight I promised my parents I never would after I saw the hurt my brother's attempt did to the family and the fear in his eyes.  ...I am much better. So is my brother.  He is actually a minister now.  Myself I am studying theater and religion to be a youth minister.  I figure if God can save me He had a purpose, perhaps it is to share the other side of the story.  I am currently a youth leader helping a teenager whose mother is always on the brink of suicide.  I don't think I would know how to act had I never gone through the emotional turmoil I did.  Oh the reason my directing has to do with your webpage is that the play is a one act about suicide.  It is a play I would like for it to tour the community to get the message out about how serious and real suicide is in today's times.  I was going to focus on high schools but your webpage made me open my eyes.  So I thank you for your in depth story and your strength to help so many.  God bless you.  You, Jared, and the  rest of your family are truly in my prayers.  (What a nice letter!   You are not only taking command of your life but you are helping others to do the same.  Service is what life is all about and your type of service can save lives.   I think doing a play is wonderful.  Please don't hold back.  Put all the grief and horror of losing a loved one by suicide into your play so that young people can know how bad it hurts those left behind.  Remember what you said your father felt, and put it into your play.  ...Keep me posted on how well your play goes.  I wish you well in your ministry.)

Dec. 1 - "Dragon" says...
"my girlfriend was murdered and died in my arms i can't live without her and tried to hang myself prior to writing you this letter i need your help please" (What can I do to help you?  How long ago did this happen and have you received any counseling or gotten help from anyone?  There are a million reasons to live... will you try to help yourself to find one good one?) ...Dragon did not return my email

Dec. 1 - "JuicyGurl" says...
"Um I just want to know if you can give me some advise. I don't expect you to answer me but I was  kicked out of an private school ...because of suicide I was under stress and when they found out that they treated me like a criminal  Like I was crazy, you think it was right for them to just kick me out with no help I mean I feel like I am a criminal they won't let me back in Public school because of that... (No, you aren't crazy. Private schools can do anything they want, for just about any reason they want.  About the only thing you can do is appeal to the ownership or board of the school, and still, there are no guarantees.  Public schools are much different.  They must show just cause for refusing you entrance into school.  Have you ever been diagnosed with depression or treated for depression or anxiety? They do not have the right to discriminate against you if you have a diagnosed condition under the American's with Disabilities Act.  But, you must be making an effort to get better too.  It goes both ways.  ...I wish you well, and keep your chin up.  These hard times in life are only temporary and in due time they will become the memories of the past.  Never give up on yourself!)
and later... Thank you for writing me back I just feel alone and it feels good that someone said I am not crazy and I will print it out. I do like your web page and I have emailed to my friends. I almost lost my friend to that. Thanks you for everything :) It has made me feel better."

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