Nov. 28 - Connie says...
"you have done a wonderful job on this site. I am
so sorry for your loss of your son. On april 29, 2000 I lost a nephew who
was living with us at the time. My husband and 2 young children and i returned
home from a one week holiday to find him hanging in our garage. This
was something we never expected and I know you know all about dealing with
the grief. I knew he had depression to some degree but did not realize
how bad it was. This is the hardest thing for me to deal with is wishing
I had of taken his depression more seriously. He was 19 at
the time. I have read allot of what you have done on this site and found
it very helpful. I am a Christian with strong beliefs in god and he bible..."
also had no clue that Jared was having depression, but we did know that
things were not right with him. A few month earlier he had been assaulted
inside his Middle School by a bully and he never was the same after that.
...He didn't warn us either. That still makes me mad when I think
about it. I wish he would of said how he was feeling, that he wanted
to die. I would of done anything to help him. Time has gone
by... and time does heal the open wounds, but we will always have a scar
that won't go away. My belief in the Love of God and life after death
keeps me going. When it is all over and I go home too, Jared will
be there. He was a really good kid and I know that God loves him.)
Nov. 28 - Annette says...
"I have lost my father about two years ago now...
coming up on three and I think things are even more difficult now, that
is so strange, isn't it? There are times that I get angry at the drop of
a hat and I have nowhere to vent this frustration out to... Thank you for
putting this site" (We just past two years and
it wasn't easy for us either. Have you ever thought about getting
involved with The Compassionate Friends? -Some larger cities have victims
of suicide chapters too- They meet once or twice a month and talk.
Everyone has lost someone they love in a variety of ways so everyone will
understand what you are going through. It might be a good place to
vent your feelings and frustrations. Holidays are especially hard,
so I hope you find someone you can share your grief with...)
Nov. 26 - Lisa says...
"I HAVE TRIED TO PUT THIS ALL UP TO GOD TO DEAL
WITH BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND THE STRENGTH ANY MORE. MY BROTHER TOOK
HIS OWN LIFE IN 1996 RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. MY HUSBAND UNSUCCESSFULLY
LIVED OUT HIS DESIRE IN APRIL OF THIS YEAR. AND MY DEAR MOTHER TOOK
HER LIFE ON OCTOBER 20TH 2000. PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE I AM A WALKING MIRACLE
THAT I HAVE LIVED THRU THIS? MY HEART REALLY HAS BECAME VERY
NUMB TO THIS WHOLE THING. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS PAIN THAT IS REALLY
GOING ON. I AM AN ARTIST AND CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL ANYONE OF THE
DREAMS THAT I HAVE THE MOST VISUAL DREAMS OF THE ACTS THEY HAVE PERFORMED.
I HAVE TO TAKE MEDICINE JUST TO SLEEP OR I FALL INTO A REAL FUNK. THE FIRST
THING I GET ASKED BY PEOPLE IS ...DO YOU FEEL LIKE HURTING YOURSELF? HELL
NO, MY FOUR CHILDREN HAVE SEEN ENOUGH PAIN AND SORROW THAT I AM NEVER GOING
TO LEAVE THEIR SIDE BY MY OWN DOING. I ALSO HAVE THESE DREAMS THAT
MY LOVE ONES ARE JUST CAMPING OR IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL GETTING HELP FOR
THEIR DEPRESSION. I THINK I DREAM THIS BECAUSE MY LOVING HUSBAND
HAD GOD ON HIS SIDE THE DAY THAT HE DROVE HIMSELF TO GET HELP.
WHERE DOES ONE PUT ALL THIS PAIN MY BODY ACHES ALL THE TIME. I AM GETTING
HELP FROM A GROUP. I SEE MY DOC. EVERY TWO WEEKS AND I WORK OR SHOULD
SAY GET LOST IN WORK. MY FAMILY I KNOW SEES THE CHANGES IN ME, BUT
I ALSO WONDER THE CHANGES THAT ARE HAPPENING TO THEM. TRYING TO HEAL WITH
GOD'S PROMISE THAT HE WILL NEVER GIVE ME MORE THEN I CAN HANDLE..." (I
remember that after Jared died it took months before I could go through
a day without crying, not counting the nights. I can't imagine the
pain you have gone through loosing two loved ones to suicide and almost
your husband. ...I also have a strong belief of life after death and because
I know that God
understands depression I know that Jared is being loved by Him in Heaven.
...I agree that God never gives us anything that we can't handle.
I have become a stronger person because of all of the grief and healing
I've been through. But, I dream of the, "what ifs" the "if I only
had", and the "whys". I know this is my lifelong destiny now...)
Nov. 24 - Mellisa says...
"I just visited your website looking for some help.
I am currently working on developing a suicide prevention/awareness program
in my high school. I am 17 years old, and two years ago my best friend
ended his life. I have become rather determined to see that besides learning
about drug and alcohol prevention we can learn about prevention of suicide.
If there are any resources that you could let me know about I would be
(...There are no good programs
for suicide prevention in the schools, mostly because public schools don't
like to talk about suicide. It seems to be the most forbidden subject
of modern times. The outdated philosophy is that if you talk about
suicide people might think it's glamorous and want to do it.
Of course, I totally disagree. Some people want to change this outdated
philosophy and begin to teach students about suicide prevention.
If you really want to make a difference you could design a card that teaches
kids about the "triggers"
to depression, the signs of depression and the danger signs that a person
is thinking about suicide. Maybe you can have the school mass
produce your card and send one home with every student or have it printed
in the school newspaper or PTA news. I'm sure you can think of a
million other ways to get the word out. The problem is that many depressed
students don't know they have depression and many of these students are
having problems communicating what they are feeling. Don't believe
that only shy or quiet kids are depressed. Popular, seemingly
outgoing, teens have killed themselves too. It can happen to anyone
and any family. Jared was barely 13 and had never mentioned suicide.
He was very popular and well like by everyone, except the bully who beat
him up a few months earlier inside his middle school. This assault
was the trigger to Jared's depression and then his suicide. I wish
you well in your worthy cause to save lives. There may be other sources
for your project in the links on the About
Suicide page that can help you. I hope you get an A on your project.)
I have an idea of your frustration towards people wanting to hide suicide.
That is what I was told when I first asked about programs. I was told it
was not a problem at our school so not to worry. My friend also never demonstrated
any signs of suicidal behavior. He was also very popular, all the girls
wanted to date him.
Nov. 20 - "Dazed" says...
"i don't know what to do anymore, i don't want to
tell anyone i'm thinking about suicide because then it makes me look crazy,
and i don't want to leave everyone else with my problems, but all the reasons
to stay alive seem to be fading quickly, i can't find any help, i can't
talk to anyone. everything seems hopeless. my dad's gone!!!
my grandpa's dead, he used to be the one i confided in. my parents
are divorced. i can't succeed in anything i do, especially at school.
i can't find a guy who will treat me right. i can't stand this life
anymore. there's so much no one knows about that i carry with me,
and deal with it myself and i'm doing a report on suicide, so maybe i could
help others, but i'm the one that needs help, but i don't want to tell
anyone. i don't want to be more of a burden to anyone. and
i'm realizing that i am depressed, i have been for a long time. and sooner
or later, i'm not just gonna be thinking about suicide, one of these times
i'm gonna try it, but this time i'll be sure i die, unlike last time.
i don't know how long it will take you to get back to me, but this is the
only site i have found that i can write to and it's getting frustrating.
~help, 'dazed and confused'
i'm 16, ...i couldn't bear telling my mom. she'd think she wasn't doing
enough to make me happy. but it's
not her, i love her to death. ...there so much i need help with but refuse
to let anyone close enough to help me. i've been hurt so much in
the past that i'm scared to let anyone in, even family. i don't know
what else to say right now, i can't think straight, everything is jumbled
up... i just wanna crawl in a hole and disappear." (...There
are a lot of of people out there, like you, who are walking around and
you would never guess that they have depression. It's like a headache
that doesn't go away... sometimes minor and sometimes major. ...The truth
is, people don't want to be around depressed people because they don't
know how to react to them and, basically, they don't understand what it
is that makes them different. If people knew that you are fighting depression
and trying to get help, they might react different to you. ...Confident
women are rarely abused because confident women don't hang around losers,
or guys who hit. Do you have a spiritual advisor that you can talk
to? A minister, priest, bishop, or someone who can understand what
you are going through. He/she might help you find a support group
or help you get involved with a group of kids in church. There are
people to talk to who will understand you. Don't give up on yourself...)
Nov. 16 - Joay says...
"...I'm a 14 yr. old girl from WA. ...On your site
you have a list of things that are signs
of depression : Persistent sad or 'empty' mood. Feeling hopeless,
helpless, worthless, pessimistic and or guilty. Fatigued or loss of interest
in ordinary activities. Disturbances in eating and sleeping patterns. Irritability,
increased crying, anxiety and panic attacks, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions. Thoughts of
suicide; suicide plans or attempts. I feel all of those. I really want
help. And I've lately thought more and more about suicide. Do you know
where I can find help? I don't want to kill myself. but i cant handle it
anymore. it's too much for me. i've been feeling all of those symptoms
for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to stop it. I try hard
to be happy and become the girl I should be but i can't handle the pain
i feel inside. I've had to deal with so much and i just can't handle it.
I've cried more in the last few years than i have in my whole life. Please
help me..." (Are you currently taking any medication
for depression? What are your parents doing to help you? Are
you getting any counseling at all?, ...no one is alone, unless they choose
to be. I'll get back to you as soon as you email me back...)
and later... "I'm
not currently taking medication. I've tried to tell my mom but she doesn't
understand. No counseling at the time. We're sort of short on money. All
my life I've been told I'm 'different' from other kids. I guess that all
the pain and hurt is building up. My depression is not from a death or
anything, its more from just built up pain and hurt over the yrs of being
made fun of for things i had no control in, such as A.D.D, Adrenal Gland
problems, and such. I have just gotten to the point where I can't handle
it. There is one person in specific that I tend to talk to about things.
But I have only talked to him about school stuff. I want to talk to someone
about this but i don't feel comfortable talking to my mom. I mean my mom
is on Anti Depression pills and we're pretty close but this makes me really
embarrassed and insecure. I am already different from other kids, I don't
want one more thing to distance me from them. I have many friends but I
don't think any of them would understand what I feel or how hurt I am inside.
talk to your mom. Since she also has a problem with Depression, who
better can understand you? Other things... try (emotional)...
Ask your mom to buy you some St. John's Wort. It's natural and not
too expensive so it won't break your budget... Second thing
to work on (mental)... Force yourself to smile and look in
the mirror while doing it... Third thing to do (physical)...
at least 20 minutes of exercise everyday. This is especially important
for kids with A.D.D. What do you like to do? Do you have a
ping pong table? Can you walk somewhere? Are you taking P.E.
in school? Do you know someone who has some TiBo Videos that you
can borrow? Anything will do, but do something! And, one more
thing (spiritual), If you have a belief in God than it would
be good for you to ask Him in prayer to help you out. He will be
your best friend when you feel no one else understands. Read scriptures.
If you don't believe in God than read up on meditation and do that.
Getting some peace in your heart is very good and it helps you to deal
with stress. Stress and depression do
not go well together. Joay,
this is the beginning... try and have some hope. Suicide is a permanent
solution to temporary problems...)
Nov. 15 - Shawna says...
..."I just went through your web site. It touched
my heart and soul. I was wondering, is not talking about how you
feel when your suicidal a real bad thing, I guess so to speak. Not recognizing
that you need help and acting like everything is ok. These might sound
like stupid questions..." (If you feel like you
have a problem with suicidal thoughts than you should talk to someone about
it, it's likely that you have depression. ...Life is a Gift from
God. You were never meant to go through life alone, so find someone
to talk to and help yourself to become happy again...)
Nov. 15 - "Oakley" says...
"One of my friends jokes around, (I think) saying
he wants to kill himself because his life "sucks" and he hates his parents
and he only has 5 or 6 close friends. What should I do? Please
help me" (I would definitely remind your
friend that 5 or 6 friends would really be devastated if he were to die
and ask him why he thinks life sucks and why he hates his parents so bad
that he would consider doing such a horrible thing. If he says he's
only joking than tell him you don't think it's funny and if he is really
serious you want to know so you can help him get the help because he is
having depression. Also, I would copy the article, Suicide
a Teenage Epidemic, and give it to your friend's parents or send it
to them in the mail with sentences underlined that relate their son.
If you mail it, you can do so anonymously so your friend won't know you
gave his parents the word about his suicidal behavior. You could
save his life by doing this. You are a good friend to care so much
to find answers to help him, I wish you well.)
Nov. 15 - Joseph says...
"...I would like to take my hat off to you.
There are very special people out there who are in the business of saving
and enriching lives, and don't really know it. You are one of those
people and I just want you to know how special you are. Wherever
Jared is, I am certain beyond doubt that he is smiling at you. ...As
a public health person, I know that we can positively influence the behavior
of depressed individuals who contemplate suicide. ...I nearly committed
suicide. I was a young Marine platoon commander in Vietnam.
My platoon had suffered numerous casualties. Some of my kids were
killed their second or third day in country. One night, we were staging
for an assault in a place called Go Noi. Specifically, we were at
Liberty Bridge, a heavily fortified position. I knew that I would
be sending more kids to their deaths. Deep in the bunker, I went
to a relatively secluded spot. I upholstered my .45 and stuck the
barrel in my mouth. I was beginning to pull the trigger when Ron
Staff, an NCO from North Dakota put his hand gently on my arm. He
whispered the words: 'The winter always precedes the spring.'
As a young lad from the plains of Kansas, I understood these words.
The gun went back in the holster and God saved me to help produce a miracle.
...God bless you. Jared's there and smiling. I can see him."
(...In your case, it looks like your 'trigger'
was seeing people you cared about killed then receiving no counseling for
your trauma. Thankfully, the Lord sent a friend to help you.
Soldiers are suppose to be so tough, but they are just like everyone else,
Nov. 9 - Eric says...
"Well I don't know if I should be doing this but I
sit here and I realize that I think about killing myself at least twice
a day... I have thoughts of just going away and making pretend I fell into
a moving car, or stupid stuff like that. The other day I tried taking
as many caffeine pills as I could but I started to feel sick after a couple
so I stopped... My reasoning was to try and go to the hospital and just
have an excuse to tell someone I wanted to kill my self... I don't know
though it's not all the time.. and sometimes I'm happy and not sad at all
but then I'll go home and sit and realize that I'm lonely... don't have
a girl friend, I'm not doing as well in certain classes as I'd like I'm
home sick... all these things. It doesn't make sense because I have
a lot of caring friends I just feel like this a lot of the time. I don't
want to tell my friends though because then they'll think your a nut and
I'm known as a funny guy. I don't even know if this will get me anywhere
emailing you since I don't even know who you are but I just wanted to tell
someone that I think about this a lot. well I hope you can help me and
tell me how to clear my head..." (I'm sure you
know that you are depressed and it's especially hard when you are away
at school and away from the support of your family. ...Try to keep
active doing enjoyable things outside of school work. If you have
to go alone then go alone. At first you may find this uncomfortable
but later you will enjoy the freedom of going where you want, when you
want. Have some belief in yourself and you will be okay. Girlfriends?
Nature has a way of taking care of that part of a young man's life.
Just remember, there are more girls in this world than boys, and college
guys are always hot stuff! Give yourself some time...)
Nov. 9 - "G" says...
"I don't have any suggestions I just want someone
to help me... I am always depressed and I am so alone. Nobody seems to
understand how devastating this is. I can't breath. I
can't think. All I do is cry and I try to escape by sleeping.
But I am in a dangerous state of mind now. I don't turn to my parents
or other relatives because I will only scare them. I just don't want
to be here anymore. I am not able to extract any happiness from anything.
And that is so sad to me because I have 12 year old daughter. Steven
would be so mad if he heard me talking like this but should I really care
if he is mad or not. He didn't stay for us." (You
are never in this life alone. Besides a loving Heavenly Father, you
have people like me who really want you to be happy but you must take the
Nov. 8 - Joanne says...
"...I was reading through your web site on your son.
I came across a part that talk about what happen to the person that commit
suicide. I want to share this story with you. Four years ago my son killed
his wife and then himself. I never dream of any thing like this happening
to me and my family. I have two daughters, and people were telling them
all kind of judgmental things where my son soul would go. My youngest daughter
at the time was 20 years old question God about her brother soul. When
she went to sleep that night she dreamed that there was a rainbow in the
sky and written across the rainbow was God say, " I let into heaven whom
I please." and then she saw my son standing on a corner smiling as she
never seen him smile before. When she told me of her dream I sat in my
chair and cried. I thank God, because I know He is taking care of my son
and daughter - in - law. At the time of my son and his wife death they
left a 1 year old beautiful little girl, who is 5 years old now and has
her daddy's eyes and smile. I am very bless to have her. When I hold her
I'm holding my son. So thank you for allowing me to share this with you."
A Suicide Survivor (Sometimes we forget
that we are all Heavenly Father's children and the way God thinks and the
way we think can be entirely different. We cannot, nor should we
judge eternal things. ...That dream your daughter had was heaven
sent. I'm glad she received that wonderful gift for all of you to
Nov. 8 - Megan says...
"Hi, I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful page you have
going and have kept up. I ran across your page at the beginning of last
year, for one basic reason. As a 16 year old dealing with the loss of two
close people to me, I was ready to give up on my life but something led me to
come research some things first, so I did. Thank God I did, because I am
still here today. I ran across your page again today and I thought I would
email you and tell you that you have unknowingly reached people's lives.
And I think that's really awesome. ...I just wanted you guys to know that you are doing so many good things. (Thanks
for the nice things you have said about my website and how it has helped
you to deal with the loss of your two friends. ...Yes, I do believe
Jared is in Heaven, with your friends, and he is okay and very happy
Nov. 5 - Laura's mom says...
"i went there on april 26, 1985. i still visit
there everyday. time heals a little but can freshly be recalled easily.
not that i want to but it just seems the norm now the rehashing but perpetual
not understanding. oh well, such is life, right. i'm so sorry
about your Jared, say a prayer for my Laura." (Yes,
healing is a lifelong process ...We can only be there for each other
and the ones who survive...)
Nov. 3 - Emily says...
"I'm in 7th grade i have slit my wrists ever since
5th i n have been in a depression since i was in 1st! most of my friends
know, but i don't want my parents to know. I found my sisters poem called
suicide thoughts, my sister is 15 . My mom told me that she was in and
off depression for a few years and one of my great great uncles killed
himself! Does depression run in the family? How can i get help for my problems
i have with me and not let my parents know? Help me please i can't stop
crying anymore and i can't stop thinking negatively! HELP ME!" (Anyone
can get depressed and there are some families that have the tendency more
than others. The key to solving your problem is getting some professional
help, NOW. Tell your mom and dad that you are depressed and thinking
about suicide and that you want to see a counselor because you want to
feel better. No one should have to suffer with depression all their
life anymore. Science has come up with all kinds of ways to help
you and others with depression... but we have to go after it and not give
up! Don't give up on yourself. You are worth more than you
Nov. 3 - Jenny says...
"hi my name is jenny and i am feeling really suicidal
can you please help me" (Why are you feeling suicidal
and have you felt this way in the past? Do you know what causes your
depression? Are you taking any medications? Jenny, the first step
to getting help is asking for it... have you talked to a real live person
about what you are feeling? ...give someone a call and see if they
can help you get through your depression and they may be able to help you
with any other problems you are having too.)
Nov. 1 - "Am" says...
"my sister took her life when i was 2 years old. even
though i didn't know her or remember much about her i know that i will
always love her. i know that she is looking down on me every day and that
is how i get through the day." (me too...)
Nov. 1 - Gina says...
"...I wrote you about a year ago, after my very good
friend, also a Jared, died. Although he didn't commit suicide, your
web page helped me so much then, i just didn't realize it. Brenda
wrote me back then and explained to me how grief is a good thing and that
while your loved one may be gone you will never stop loving them.
Over a year has passed, and although I deeply miss Jared, I can think of
him and smile now, and not break down into tears. There will never
be another like our loved ones, and that's ok. They are what makes
us so special, having known an angel and getting to carry that with us
is such a blessing. I don't believe that you ever get over losing
someone you love, or that time heals all pain. There is a place in
my heart where my Jared used to fill and it won't ever heal, I just get
used to there being a hole there. I guess I am just e-mailing you
again because I wanted to thank you for helping me through the hardest
year of my life and tell you how great your website is and that i will
recommend it for anyone who has lost a loved one. Thank you and God
bless you." (I'm glad you are doing better after
the loss of 'your' Jared. No one ever completely heals from losing
a loved one but we can go on with our lives and be happy again. Isn't
it great how The Lord can bless us even when we go through such a sad tragedy.
I wish you well in your as you continue your life's healing journey.)