Church
Humor - Part II
FROM
CHURCH BULLETINS
These sentences have actually
appeared in church bulletins or in typewritten announcements for church
services.
The Fasting & Prayer
Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning:
"Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team
is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and
watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the
rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peace making meeting
scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many
who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is
hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you
off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang
"I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will
be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital
and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble
sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his
farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie
Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held
on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
Eight new choir robes are
currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum
cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
Please place your donation
in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an
evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at
5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church
have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there
will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will
be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate
it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support
Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will
be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday
at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet
at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double
door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled
the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge
- Up Yours"
| The following statements
about the Bible were written by children at a Catholic elementary school.
They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in). |
 |
1. In the first book of the
bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath
off.
2. Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark,
which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar
of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud
people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman
who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines
with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews
to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without
any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all
drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment
was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment
is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he
ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle
in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people
who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's
sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that
she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise
guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because
Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith
dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the
Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when
Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed
the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the
wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums
was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to
Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only
one spouse. This is called monotony.
BACK TO
CHURCH HUMOR - PART
ONE
