Church Humor - Part II

 

FROM CHURCH BULLETINS

 

These sentences have actually appeared in church bulletins

or in typewritten announcements for church services.

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

 

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

 

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

 

The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

 

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

 

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

 

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"


The following statements about the Bible were written by children at a Catholic elementary school.  They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

 

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

 

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

 

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

 

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

 

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

 

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

 

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

 

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

 

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

 

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

 

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

 

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

 

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

 

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

 

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

 

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

 

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

 

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

 

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

BACK TO
CHURCH HUMOR - PART ONE

 

Dear God, 
So far, today, I've done all right.  I haven't gossiped or lost my temper.  I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered.  I'm really happy about that so far.  But in a few minutes I'm going to be getting out of bed and then I'm going to need a lot of help.  Thank you!   Amen

 

THE MEANING OF LIFE  WHAT IS THE PLAN OF SALVATION?
Life Before Birth   Where do we come from?
What's the Purpose of Life?   Why are we here?
Where do we go when we die?   What will happen to us when we die?
Everyone will have an opportunity   What about people who didn't know?
The Full Blessing  Life can be short for some.  What about babies who die?

 

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