My husband, Bill, suggested that I tell the readers of JaredStory.com why I'm doing all this work on the internet, ...I mean, I'm not paid or anything.  And some people might judge that I'm wasting my time and could be doing a hundred other things with my life.

The number one (1#) way to deal with grief when losing a loved one is to do a project, and in my case, doing a web page is the number one way I have helped myself deal with my sadness and grief over losing my son, Jared.  There is really no order (as to which is the best way) to "dealing with grief" and no one way of dealing with grief is better than another. Every hurting parent or child deals with grief differently. I plan to write as many ideas as I can think of, but I will not initially have a long list of ways to deal with grief written down when I upload this page.  I will add more ideas as I get them. Maybe those of you who have suffered with grief as I have can give me your best way to get through the process of grieving.

Never believe that grief and "getting over it" is the same thing.  I'm sorry to say that you never "get over it",  you just deal with losing and how you deal with losing a child or loved one is what life is all about. As I have said in The Meaning of Life page, your loved one is in a very nice place. They are OK and it's nice in "The New Birth" of Heaven. But we are left behind with all the memories, (some good, some bad), and we can make of them what we want.

Sometimes we are angry about the way our child left this world. We can choose to be angry, that's OK. Remember that Jesus Christ was angry with the moneychangers in the Temple, so anger, in and of itself is not a sin. It's the purpose of the anger that could be a sin. If anger is vented to "get even" or to satisfy the vengeance of your hurt inside, you are not dealing with you grief, you are giving yourself and other's stress that will kill your spirit and body. Your health will decline, people will avoid you, and you won't be able to pray. You will suffer loss of concentration and common sense. What you have left, your family and friends, will hurt too and they will suffer even more if anger isn't vented into a positive way.

So what could be positive about anger.  MADD (Mother's Against Drunk Driver's) is one good example of an organization that was begun out of anger. And see all the good they have done and the laws they have influenced.  How about all the Suicide Prevention groups, and the groups to help people deal with Depression. Good things can happen from bad events.

In business we are told to develop multiple streams of income. In the grieving process I would advise that we create "multiple ventings of grief".

Today many favorite singers and movie stars are idolized long after their death. As an example, Elvis Presley has a fan club that continues to memorialized him in their daily activities. My child is more important to me than Elvis.

I won't feel guilty doing any project that helps me remember Jared.  No matter what others might say, I will grieve or memorialize him any way I wish.  Never feel guilty for the way you memorialize your loved one if you can feel better because  of it.  And shame on the unfeeling person who judges how you grieve.

You can also find inspiration by researching other people who have gone through similar experiences.

"TALK! Talk about the family member or friend who is gone.  Talk about all the fun or cute or nice things the person did, or that you remember in connection to him/her.  ...It probably seems to OBVIOUS to most.  ...I am experiencing a real blackout where my sister is concerned.  Everyone is avoiding the topic of Pattie, and I need more than anything else to remember her with words -- not merely with thoughts and tears.  She was such an EXCEPTIONAL person that she deserves a lot of words, happy and nostalgic and longing words, celebratory and very, very loving words.  Love to you good people."      Annette

"I have a web site that I'm  trying to start a business with. The poems I send are to families that are suicide survivors. It is my way of dealing with my son death.    Joanne

One young man man deals with his grief, from losing his best friend, by writing poetry - The Little Flower -  by Ryan

Make a quilt out of your child's clothes... My website talks about making quilts from old t-shirts. I have a box full of Jared's t-shirts and I plan to do just that.  If you have done such a thing, I would be really pleased if we could post a picture of you quilt on this page.  Just send it in - and tell me how hard it is to do  :-). Below is an email from someone using baseball jerseys... 

"I am having one made from Josh's ball jerseys when he played ball and a couple of his favorite Nirvana T-shirts. I am also including my surviving son's "blankie" when he was a baby. A dear friend of mine is doing mine...I can't wait to get it done and wrap myself in it..:)"

"My friend lost her husband on 4/13 to a horrific automobile accident.  He is survived by 2 children who are 4 and 7.    I want to bring over some things to let them know that there are people who care about how they are doing.  I was thinking about some little snacks, a gift for a massage for the wife/mom.  I was trying to think of a project for the kids.   I could give them supplies, and let them proceed as they feel the need.  I like the idea you shared for a treasure box."    Penny (who is concerned about some friends)

"...We were both really struck with your idea of families who 'fall out of love because of the love that was lost'.  We know that is what has happened and we are really going to try to do something about it.

"We both realized that not only do we rarely speak of our sweet brother, but that there is not one picture of him in our parents home!  How sad is that - after 7 years, it's almost as if he were never here at all.  We have decided to try to start some kind of "family circle" - some kind of a discussion group for all of us to finally talk about what has happened - that way we can eventually get to where we can talk and enjoy our memories of him."    Jessica

 

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