By Jack Handy
Random thoughts for those who enjoy Saturday Night Live
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
You know what the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside of a watch. You donít even care do you.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guys gloves touch your lips, because you donít know where that glove has been.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It'd be Hambone.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you donít know anybody there: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumbled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
To me, its always a good idea to carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anyone says, "Hey can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people like I am now.
I wish there was a disease where your afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.
If someone told me it wasn't 'fashionable' to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's 'fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask him what's 'fashionable' in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's 'fashionable'?"
People laugh when I tell them that I think a Jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they donít understand is, I mean a Jellyfish with long blond hair.
If you see and animal and you cant tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby colored, likes a fella."
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag."
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid idiot!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rat-trap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you e ver needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered t hey were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an `afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.
As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that' s what her dinner tasted like.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.
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