Suicide  Bullying  depression


Emails from people who have "been there, done that" - they have lost someone to suicide, have thought of, or are

thinking about suicide. Emails from people enduring, or have endured bullying or have suffered from depression.

Other people's stories...  FEB 2001

Feb. 27 - "G" says...

"First i want to say sorry... i know that doesn't do much for you but i too have felt the pain of death multiple times.. it seems like he was such a happy kid do you guys know why he committed suicide???" (Jared was a very happy young man but an assault inside his Middle School by a bully changed him.  He began to loose sleep and become withdrawn and depressed.  Unfortunately, we didn't know that he had depression or that he was thinking about suicide.  We wished he would of cared enough about us to ask for our help, but that's the curse of depression... they just don't think right.  I guess that's why I've done, to help other's see the impact that suicide has on everyone around them.  Doing the website has also been a healing project for me.  I'm sorry to hear that you've been through the pain of loosing loved ones too.  Death is so hard to understand and I always wonder why God allowed Jared to come home at such a young age... he had so much to live for.  I'm sure you feel the same about those you love too.  I wish you well, and peace, in your lifelong healing.)

Feb. 26 - Stacey says...

"I just got on the internet looking up suicide and came up with your email address. I, too lost someone very close to me due to suicide. I lost my brother almost 9 mo. ago (June 7, 2000). ...He was an honor student who had just graduated from high school the week before. That's the last time I ever saw him. Right now I am almost not even in my right mind, but I would like to help other people. I think if they heard and felt my pain they would never do it to themselves, or their family and friends. I am 20 years old, and away at college, and this is the hardest thing ever to happen to me. The first couple months it wasn't "real", but now it is, and it kills me. I am not suicidal and will never be, but something like this happening in your life makes you think. I don't know your pain, as a parent, but as the best friend/sister I grieve.  ...I want you to know that there is love for you and your family from us in Texas.  My mom and I, we are the only left in our family, wish you the best from family to family. My mom struggles and I feel horribly because I live 100 miles away and can't be there every second. I see her most weekends but its not enough. I feel like everything around me has fallen. I lost so much of me when he died, and for the rest of my life I will live through him..." (My daughter Sonja went threw the very same thing you are going through and she was 19 and 4 mo when Jared died.  She was also in college at the time Jared died and went back after we had the funeral.  I think Sonja had the hardest time of all the siblings because they were the oldest and youngest and there was a special bond.)

Feb. 25 - Casebolt family says...

"I wanted to tell you how much I found your website helpful and informative. It is a beautiful tribute to Jared, and you have done an excellent job! My story of survival started July 2,2000 when my beautiful oldest nephew, Tim, took his life with a rifle at age 15. Never had I been more devastated, hurt or helpless. ...As all teens, he couldn't wait to get his license, my husband and I were giving him his first car.  He wanted that car so badly and loved to "make" me take him for drives!  Like almost all the stories we hear, he had 'everything' going for him... then it was all gone.  Dearly I miss him ....All I want is for him to call me on the phone and tell me he was just teasing.... he's really here!  We  have started a foundation "The TAD Foundation" (Talk About Decisions... and Tim's initials) and a support group, "Hope's Path" has been a great way to start healing and to make a tiny difference in getting awareness out there. It has amazed me how little people understand or WANT to understand this horrible tragedy.  Your website was an awesome tribute to your son.... and when we get ours going, I'll let you know..." (I hope by visiting my site it has helped you heal, just a little bit.  I'm sorry to hear about your nephew, Tim, and I hope your family has come closer together, in support of each other.  It's a time to grow close and communicate about how each member is feeling; and stay away from personal blame and hurtful words.)

Feb. 22 Lorna says...

"...I live in Australia and we lost our darling son who was suffering depression and we never knew.  He took his life on the 15th November 1997.  I have been living on the edge ever since and this terrible tragedy has changed the course of my life.  Jody was 30 year old and a great athlete and he was the youngest of 5 children.  He withdrew from the family for 3 years before he died and just wouldn't come home.  My husband and I are trying to get through each day as best we can. I have written a book about him because he deserved some sort of memorial.  It a story about depression really, because looking back now on his life, I am sure he suffered from depression all his life.  I in my ignorance had no idea that depression was fatal then, but I have leaned the hard way, we all knew Jody was different to the others , we just stupidly thought that was the way he was, very sad, low self esteem, self hatred, happy occasionally.  I would love to hear Jared's story. Jody was a perfectionist and he never thought he was good enough at anything he did, he worked out every day of his adult life, never smoked a cigarette in his life, he won all the awards possible for football in the area and after being offered to play in bigger leagues he turned them down because he couldn't cope mentally with being away from home I think.  I have leaned more about our darling son now he is dead than when he was alive, by reading about depression and suicide, and realizing he had all the symptoms of (endogenous depression)."  (We didn't know that Jared had depression either, but we knew that something was wrong after he was assaulted  inside his middle school by a bully.  Up until that time Jared was a happy-go-lucky boy.  I also have learned more about Jared since he died.  I have learned to cherish all my memories with him and when I feel sad I try to visualize him in Heaven doing all the fun things he liked to do... and happy.  Sometimes I wonder about how things like this can happen to anyone, let alone our family... everything was so perfect.  Now we are in a dream all the time, thinking of what could of been if he had not died.  We are survivors who understand other survivors.  I hope you have more peaceful days ahead as you continue your lifelong healing process.)

Feb. 16 - Sarah says...

"...I am 25 yrs old. On November 10th 2000, my youngest brother Andrew took his own life. He was 16. I am having a very hard time understanding how to deal with losing him.  My family is the type to just 'sweep it under the rug' and not discuss any serious matter. We lost my sister in 1984, she was 12. And like I said, we never discussed it. Now I am at a point where I have blocked off any feelings. I haven't cried, yelled or really express how this has effected me. My brother and I were very close, and I am feeling really guilty about this. I am afraid that I too will soon be, or already am, affected by depression. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about how I felt and he ended up breaking up with me because he didn't know what to say to me, or what to do.  I am afraid now to talk to my friends because I don't want to bring them down and have them leave me too. I looked into some support groups, but I live in Olympia, WA and the only one around here meets once a month. Do you have any advice on how to cope/understand more about this? I have a 7 yr. old son and I want to be the best mom I can to him, but this is definitely making it hard for me to do so." (I'm sorry you are going through your grief alone.  ...It's been over two years since Jared died and because we have been open with each other we can now talk about Jared in our regular conversations.  I would suggest to you that you might help your family by talking about Andrew.  For awhile, don't talk about the suicide, but talk about some of the things Andrew did that were pleasant or funny.  Take it slowly and in time, as everyone begins to deal with his life and death, then you can begin to deal with the way he died.  Never deny that it was a suicide.  When friends ask how he died... spit the words out.  It was a suicide caused from depression.  Think about how people die for a few minutes.  If a person smokes and gets Cancer, what makes that person's death any more "honorable" or acceptable than dying by suicide caused by depression?  I'll tell you what, when a person is depressed because they were mentally unbalanced and they kill themselves, I can understand that better than when a person smokes for 40 years and knows it's killing them and then they die by Cancer.  I mean, isn't that suicide too?  Only, they knew that they were killing themselves, they were mentally competent.  So goes many diseases that man kills themselves with.  some Heart problems = overeating, Diabetes = overeating, some Liver failure = too much alcohol.  I guess there are acceptable ways to die, but not everyone is lucky enough to die in their sleep in their old age.  At some time in your life you will begin to heal, but not until you have come to terms with your brother's death.  ...I would suggest that you see a spiritual counselor at some time.  This was the turning point in our life when we were dealing with Jared's death.  We needed to know that Jared is okay and that God didn't think anything less of him because of the way he died.  I wrote an article that you might like to read sometime called, Where do those who die by suicide go.  I've had a few people tell me that this article has helped them to understand the spiritual nature of death in relation to suicide.  Also you might find some peace by reading some spiritual books.  There is a list of good books to read at:   As far as your "boyfriend" is concerned, it's my opinion that if he can't handle your grieving process then it's best that you start looking for someone else to share your life with.  That was a good test for your relationship and he failed the test.  The more open you are about your brother's death the better off you and all of your friends will be.  If you try to hide what happened they will be uncomfortable about talking to you.  It may appear that you are losing friends but the truth is that they just don't know what to say to you.  If you say "it" (the suicide word) first than they are more at ease.  Sure they will be taken back, but then they will admire you for being bold enough to talk about what happened to you.)

Feb. 15 - Alice says...

"...I am honestly not sure why I am up late and e-mailing you.  I was actually searching for herbal products on the web.  I have a son 2 yrs and 7 yrs and maybe God Guided me to you for some words of wisdom, I don't know.  I have actually been fearful that my 7 yr. old will hurt himself or be beyond control with his emotions and behavior.  I pray, pray and pray that I can stay consistent in disciplining him.  I believe that he needs some sort of supplement or something.  He has had 2 major blows to his head and that makes me nervous.  What should I look for in his personality that would indicate suicide even at his young age...?  My intuitive nature is worried..  Thanks for reading on.. God Bless you and your family.  Maybe I just needed an ear."  (You are a wise woman and a dutiful mother to be searching for help for your son.  My guess is that you already have a good knowledge of healthy foods and what foods to avoid for children with health (or depression) problems.  Be sure and read the section in, about Depression.  Christine Pedersen is a very knowledgeable nutrition expert.  Also be sure and read my article concerning the causes of depression (triggers), what to look for in symptoms and the signs of suicide.  If you are worried about your son at this young of age then there is cause for concern.  It might be good to get your son in to see a Child Therapist so he can be put on a healthy "mind path".  A spiritual adviser might be good for him too.  If you live in America you might consider putting your son in the cub scouts.  This organization is excellent at developing healthy self-concepts. ...I wish you and your family the very best of life and happiness.)

Feb. 14 - Shawn says...

"I just visited your site. I was looking for an excuse or permission to commit suicide. ...I am so sorry for your loss. I do not want to put those around me in such pain. I cried after watching the video of your son on the trampoline. I can tell you I am not an emotional person, but your website effected me. I have worked as a psych tech in an acute psychiatric hospital in the child / adolescent unit as well as a Child Development Counselor at a Residential Treatment Facility serving severely emotionally disturbed youth. My job is often to prevent suicide. Yet I have been feeling so depressed and close to suicide myself lately. I even wrote all the notes and obtained the means. I know all the warning signs, and about the help available, etc... but this is me and I am an adult (21) and it is different. I cannot seek professional help, due to my career and that I know there is no magic wand. ...I am so scared and in such pain.  ...I don't know what to do. Your website was a great help and provided some peace. I will try to make it though another day." (I know how you feel about getting help.  I have a degree in Psychology and I'm suppose to know it all about people,... only I didn't know what the signs of suicide were enough to help Jared.   ...Do you remember what caused you to become depressed? Sometimes coming to terms with the past can help alleviate the stress that caused your depression.  If you don't feel comfortable seeing a Doctor maybe seeing a Chiropractor or a Nature Path might help.  No one has to know about them, and Chiropractors are great at relieving Stress.  Also, I'm sure you've heard about St. John's Wart and SAM-e.  SAM-e is more powerful so try the Wart first.  Be careful to follow the instructions and don't mix them with other medicines or herbs.  ...I always tell people who are depressed to see a doctor but if you can't do that then try some of the ideas I've mentioned to you.  And try very hard to improve how you feel about yourself.  ...Read uplifting books and listen to self improvement tapes.  ...Find something to uplift you as you go back and forth to work, at least until you have climbed out of your depression.  I have a daughter who is 21 years old.  Even though you are very grown up and on your own, it's still a hard time, a maturing time in life.  Try not to let the stresses of the world overcome you. Take time to relax and see all the wonders of the world you were born to.  Count your blessings every day and you will begin to see the purpose of your life...)

Feb. 14 - Erin says...

"...I'm a 16 year old girl from Australia, who is constantly dealing with the pain of depression. I was looking up suicide on the net when I came across your site and I have been deeply touched and moved by your web site. I suppose I have a fairly good life, in the way that, although my parents are divorced, They both love me, even if my mum has difficulty showing this. My little sister is also wonderful. I have all the creature comforts I require, I'm well fed and properly clothed. I have an amazing group of friends, without whom, I would not be here. Many times I have seriously contemplated suicide. This has happened for the last few years, but increasingly so within the last 12 months. Last year I found out a lot of shocking truths about my past, which I had once believed to be simply and imagined nightmare. I was deeply distressed by this and believed that there was no way of making my life better. The pain became too tough and I knew that if I didn't tell someone, I'd die. So, I confided in my best friend. She helped me out and helped me to go and see my school councilor.  The councilor helped a bit, but I didn't tell her that I was suicidal. Still, I would go home every day and bawl my eyes out. ...Every time I have a bad couple of days, I find myself falling rapidly back into the black hole of depression, but as long as I have my best friend, and a little bit of something to hold onto, I think I'll be okay. Your web page made me cry... I don't want to do this to people, I don't want to hurt them... but I still can't say that I don't want hurt myself...  (I'm sorry to read about the pain you have been through.  Depression is a hard thing to endure for one so young... for anyone.   If you can get some professional help you may begin to feel a lot better but you will need to open up to someone first.  Do you think you can get the courage to tell your mom what you are going through and thinking about?  In our case, Jared never said a word about wanting to die.  We had no warning.  What I feel sad about the most is that he didn't love me enough to come and talk to me.  I knew he was having problems (caused by an assault by a bully inside his middle school) but I didn't know it was called depression and that depression could lead to suicide.  I hope you won't do this to your family, and especially to your sister who needs you.  Life is worth living and it's worth fighting for a happy life.  Go find a way to become happy.  Don't give up.  You are special and more loved than you can ever imagine.)

Feb. 12 - A Parent says...

"I would like to have some advise about this case, my wife and my other daughter are suffering emotionally.  We don't know what to do. They ask too many questions, they even sent the cops to my apartment without permission or a least to let me know what's is going on. Please we need your help."  (Document everything - Write multiple letters to School Board Members, the Superintendent, The Principal of the school and your State Representatives.  Demand action! Also, consider calling a lawyer... and don't believe that school officials care about your child.  They don't, unless you are rich.  I speak from experience.  After Jared was assaulted we tried to handle everything without the help of a lawyer.  Big Mistake!  Now Jared is dead because of that assault and how the school district handled everything.)

Feb. 10 - Nicole says...

"...I've been well I don't know what you would call it maybe a bit depressed.  My parents really want me to go to a shrink.  I don't really think it's necessary.  A lot of kids my age (15) experience depression...  I know I'm not unique to it...
and later - I haven't had the net very long, since about the end of November, but ever since I got it the number one thing I spent the most time searching for and reading about was suicide and depression.  I'm really interested in knowing more about it.  OK see here's the thing, my parents don't know what's wrong with me.  They just think it's, i don't know, maybe part of my growing up stage.  ...My parents don't know.  I don't know if I'm quite at the stage of being suicidal or if I've already passed it.  I have no idea what is happening. English class I wrote about suicide. We had choices about what to write about and I felt that I could really relate to the one that read "feelings that cause people to harm themselves".   ...That and another paper made my english teacher realize that I was "suicidal".   ...I don't eat a lot.  I haven't eaten lunch on a regular basis since gr. 7.  All I really eat is dinner.  ...I only basically had one person to talk to.  ...During that time I spent a lot of time alone. That's when I did a lot of cutting.  I had no one to get help from...   SO I have no one to talk to.  That's where the net came in hand because then I could talk to people who could relate to me. ...I think I do know what cause the depression.  It's just that it took time for me to really realize that I was depressed.  I've never had a great social life with friends.  Everybody likes me but I've ...been betrayed.  I think it started back in gr. 7.  ...I also wanted to ask you...  Ever since I can remember I haven't felt good.  What I mean by that is that on the inside I haven't felt good.  I've always had pain in the abdominal and bowel parts.  It's really strange.  At school and to this day right now I feel pain sometimes it's really bad.  I just try not to think about it.  I remember in like gr. 7 or something  I started to constantly feel sick like everyday.  But what do you do... Stay home everyday.  Anyway do you have any idea about what it may be?  I didn't know if you might've heard of something like it." (When you get a chance go to my article in about depression,  and read it and maybe it will help you see what is happening to you.  Maybe the teenage body changes and stress became overwhelming to you and it triggered your depression... or maybe it was something else.  ...Wow, I can't believe you haven't seen a doctor about your medical problem.  It could be serious, like a appendicitis or something.  Also, with all the stress you are going through it could be an ulcer.  After Jared was assaulted he had some of the same problems you described....  He would complain about stomach pains when he'd get nervous about things.  I think it was due to stress mostly.  ...people get depressed when they are in pain for long periods of time.  Maybe if you can find out what this problem is and take care of it then you can feel better and this will help your depression go away.  ...Just remember what I said about suicide, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  You can get through this hard time in your life.  You may need to change your thinking about some things but there are wonderful things ahead for you if you will have some patience in yourself and belief in your abilities.)

Feb. 7 - Sara says...

"...i'm 14 years old, 2 years ago my best friend shot herself in the head one night when she came over to my house to stay over, she was the only person in my life that I had ever loved I loved her more than my own parents, and now she is dead, a week after her suicide I found a .22 and shot myself in the head, my twin sister heard the shot and came in the bathroom and found me laying there in my own blood, she call 911 and the doctors where able to save me but for 3 weeks I was in a coma. I almost died, almost, I was so close, but they saved me, now I am in a wheelchair I can no longer feel from my waist down, I am in support groups and I'm taking pills for depression and suicide, I have been in and out of mental wards and I have in the past couple of weeks taking up carving. now I go to support group for that, I just wanted to let you know I know how you must feel." (It just broke my heart to hear your story.  The pain, physical, emotional, and spiritual must be very hard for you to bare.  ...Have you tried some spiritual counseling?  That's what really helped Bill to get through his trauma visions of Jared lying on the floor.  He moved the trauma vision to a spiritual vision of Jared in Heaven.  I did the same.  Maybe it can help you?   I've e-mailed many "cutters"...  Many of them tell me they do it for stress relief and some because they feel better after punishing themselves (which, is another type of stress relief).  Work very hard to get over this habit now before it gets worse.  There are other ways to release your stress, let your counselor help you find ways to do that...)

Feb. 6 - Dan says...

"Ah where to start, well I was just surfing around and came to your website. Forgive me if I stop making sense for I have not slept since Thursday night and It's early Tuesday morning already, the joys of being an insomniac. Even worse a depressed insomniac at that. The thing about not sleeping is that it gives you way too much time to think, and without sleep I stop thinking logically and I think about the past present and future way too much. These past few days came and went with the usual suicidal plans, but as time passes so do the feelings. In the past I've acted on those feelings, last semester I OD'd on a massive amount of alcohol and roughly 230 ibuprofen pills. I came out of that with divine intervention for I passed out and then I awoke and found myself in the bathroom vomiting. I came in and out of consciousness and was sick for a few days didn't go to the ER either. My original plan was to buy a gun but found out that you need an in state drivers license which was very good. Your website has given me hope for the future and I thank you." (The minute you told me about your sleeping problem I knew that you had depression.  This is the one thing I can say about Jared... his sleeping problem was a main cause for his suicide.  Unfortunately, we didn't know that sleeping problems can cause depression and worse, that depression might cause a suicide.   So, I'm begging you to find the cause of your sleeping problems, see a doctor, get on some medication, whatever, so you can feel better.  This will be the first step at solving your depression and for that matter it may cure your depression.   Jared had some other problems, caused from an assault, but the sleep problem was really hard on him.    If you are a college student you may be able to get some free or cheap help from the college.  Don't fight your battles alone.  I know that a man's nature is to think they are so tough that they can handle anything by themselves, but, you were put on this earth to be with other's, help other's and let other's help you.  Imagine a world where everyone walks alone... I can't.   Jared used a gun.  It was effective, ...and it destroyed our lives.  Don't do this to those who love and care about you.  Go get the help you need and find the happiness you deserve.)

Feb. 2 - Leah says...

"I am nineteen years old.  Like you, It is my goal to help others.  Today I searched through the internet to find an organization or a person to help me to fulfill a promise I made in my life. Since I was young, I have had emotionally unstable friends.  They seem to be attracted to me and gravitate my way.  I am one of the most stable people I know and have a very loving, supporting family.  I am one of the lucky ones.  In every case, I have taken them in and loved them.  They have become my best friends.  Yet over the past seven years, I have stopped at least four of them from committing suicide.  Two years ago, my cousin died.  ...Actually, she killed herself.  Everything about it was wrong and unlike her, but that is what suicide is.  ...In most cases, you would never know or expect it to happen.  That is why it is so shocking and so unbelievable and so unbelievably out of character.  It is my goal to go throughout the United States and talk to people about suicide.  I especially want to focus on teenagers because I understand the situation from all sides.  I do not want to lecture on suicide but present it at a different angle.  At the present moment, I am in college.  I am dedicated to this project, however, and I hope to accomplish it as soon as possible.  I have many ideas and hopes for this project, but I have no idea how to go about accomplishing it.  I hope that you will be able to help me.  I have so much more to say..."



MAR 2001  -  FEB 2001JAN 2001  -  NOV 2000-MAR 2001  -  DEC 2000  -  NOV 2000  -  OCT 2000

SEPT 2000  -  SEPT-OCT 2000  - AUG 2000  -  JULY 2000  -  JUNE-AUG 2000  -  JUNE 2000  -  MAY 2000

APRIL 2000  -  MAR 2000  -  JAN-FEB 2000  -  OCT-DEC 1999  -  AUG-SEPT 1999  -  JAN-JULY 1999



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