MODERATOR at 2:03pm ET (November
Glenn, welcome! We have a lot of
parents writing in saying their kids are being teased and tormented at
school while teachers look the other way. What should they do?
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:06pm ET
The very first thing for a parent to do is to listen
carefully to their children's reports of being bullied, be sympathetic,
and take the problem seriously. Try not to overreact; try not to under
react as well. It's important to know the difference between normal peer
conflict and bullying. Normal peer conflict is when 2 students of equal
status and power get into an argument or a fight, but it's more accidental,
and not serious. In the bullying incident, you have an imbalance of power
and the students are not friends. The bullying is repeated, negative, and
the bully is seeking to gain power and control over their victim.
So it's important first to establish if it is a bullying
situation. Second: Don't blame the child who is being bullied. That's not
the time to quiz your child about why he/she didn't do this or that. Third:
Get the important information. Who did the bullying, what exactly did they
do, when did it happen, where did it happen, and especially important,
how often has this been happening. Also ask the child if there were any
witnesses. All of this information is important to document for your own
records and to be able to share with the school. Fourth, brainstorm with
your child strategies that they might employ that might help the situation
and practice them through role-playing and discussion.
Number five: Set a meeting with the appropriate person
at the school to be able to share your concern and what is going on. And
with the school, develop a plan to address the situation. Also get this
MODERATOR at 2:11pm ET
You say to "brainstorm" strategies with your child. If
there an effective way for kids to stand up to bullies?
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:15pm ET
It's important to teach children several different strategies.
There isn't just one set response that is appropriate or will work every
time. Some strategies that can be used are (1) to assert themselves. If
someone teases them, they can say directly to the bully, "Please stop that;
I don't like it." Another strategy is to get help. If a student is being
bullied, he or she can ask a teacher or other adult to intervene. Humor
is sometimes a strategy that can be helpful. If a student can find a humorous
or funny way to deal with a bullying incident, he or she could try to diffuse
the situation. Another strategy is to avoid the bully and basically stay
away from they bully. This isn't an ideal situation, but on an individual
basis, avoidance is one of the main effective strategies students employ.
Sandy at 2:15pm ET
Can you give a definition of a bully and some proactive
suggestions for preventing bullying?
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:18pm ET
A bully is an individual who seeks to control, dominate
and terrorize the life of another. The essence of bullying is all about
power -- an imbalance of power and an abuse of power. Bullying is a relationship.
It goes beyond individual incidents which by themselves can seem petty
and insignificant but bring great pain and torment to the victim.
The dynamics of domestic violence and school yard bullying
are very similar. It is an issue of power. The essence of bullying
is not in the actions of the bully but in their intentions. Do they intend
to bring harm? Is their intention to control?
MODERATOR at 2:20pm ET
What do you believe is the reason for the need to bully?
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:23pm ET
The majority of bullying is a learned behavior much of
which of the learning occurs in the child's home. The child sees that bullying
tactics work to get their own way. A lot of children, when asked about
bullying, have said that it's also fun -- almost a form of entertainment
where other people who are bystanders are like the audience. Bullying has
benefits and one of the things we need to do is to diminish the benefits
that bullies receive from bullying. But as a society, this is going to
be difficult to deal with, because bullying is deeply embedded in the American
There are bullies not only on the school yard, but bullies
in the boardrooms of America, bullies who are university presidents, politicians,
pastors, priests, rabbis and clerics. Bullying has achieved results in
the sense of increasing profit, domination of markets and maintaining positions
of power. The use of bullying tactics to achieve these things are routinely
used in both the public and private sector. So on the one hand, we cannot
tolerate what's happening to our children in terms of the attacks on schools
and the suicides as a result of bullying, yet at the same time we emulate
many people in the adult society who are the so-called powerful movers
and shakers who get things done their way.
T. P. at 2:27pm ET
On Sept. 11th, a group of Muslim extremists tried to
bully the people of the U.S. into leaving Saudi Arabia and stop supporting
Israel. The U.S. reacted by pounding those "bullies" with powerful and
advanced weapons of destruction -- killing hundred or even thousands. Yet,
when children, who feel physically incapable of fighting back, retaliate
against the "bullies" by using powerful and more advanced weaponry than
fists, we are appalled. How does a parent and/or educator get children
to understand the difference?
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:29pm ET
After Sept. 11, some children in schools have been asking,
"Let me get this straight. You're telling us that we're NOT to respond
to violence done toward us with violence, that there are other ways to
deal with these situations. So explain to us, what is it that the adults
are doing?" This is a challenging question, one that's important to allow
children to ask and to take the time to discuss. If I only had an answer!
But it is important that we allow open and honest discussion and debate
as we find our way to relevant answers.
I think at this point the answer is that we need to talk,
we need to allow this type of discussion.
M. H. from proxy.aol.com at 2:31pm ET
When, if ever, is it appropriate for a victim's parent
to approach the bully or the bully's parent, rather than talking to teachers
or administrators? Or should the police be contacted?
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:36pm ET
I think it's important to deal with the situation at
the closest level that it's occurring. So if the bullying is happening
on school grounds during school time, we should start there -- first, by
working with our own child as was previously discussed, then meeting with
the teacher, and if the situation can be dealt with there, that's great.
If, however, it is not resolved, then we need to pursue meeting with the
principal, superintendent, school board -- as high as we need to go to
get the bullying to cease. Children view bullying as a form of injustice.
The younger children may not use that word -- they may just say "it's not
fair this is happening to me; not fair I'm being made afraid at school;
it's not fair my possessions are being taken or damaged." So if we as adults
don't bring justice to bear in which the result is the bullying has actually
stopped, then some of these children, a very small percentage, will seek
to resolve matters by taking up arms.
If, at the school board level, the situation is still
not being successfully addressed, then we should consider informing the
local police or local law enforcement. Actions that are routinely dealt
with by law enforcement out on the street and in the workplace, such as
sexual harassment, assault and battery, extortion, are often not recognized
as the same thing happening in schools that produced the same painful consequences
for those who are victimized. Law enforcement deals with these things in
adult society; we've made exception, in a sense, that in schools it's different.
But isn't the pain just as devastating?
So if the matter, for any reason, cannot be resolved within
the school system, then as a concerned parent, the next step may be to
contact law enforcement.
J. B. at 2:42pm ET
I don't think that serious bullying occurs at my child's
grade school (gr. 1-5) but I do know there is a significant degree of cliquishness,
exclusion, etc. Is this a real precursor to bullying? What are some model
policies/best practices that can be used to address cliques and exclusion
as well as bullying? I am on the site council at my daughter's school and
could help implement policy and procedure changes. Thank you.
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:46pm ET
Cliques and groups can be a source of bullying even as
young as the elementary grades. I've had students tell me of what they
call "clubs" -- for instance the "No One Talks to Karla Club." Social isolation
is in fact a form of bullying. It can be one of the most devastating and
hurtful forms of bullying. It is important to have policies that clearly
address the issue of bullying in all of its forms and that makes clear
what are the consequences and what are the procedures that students and
adults should follow when there's been a bullying incident.
One of the most successful approaches to dealing with
bullying is referred to as "bully-proofing your school." This is a comprehensive
approach that involves students, teachers, administrators and parents.
Bully proofing your school is about changing the very social fabric and
climate of the school. It deals with supporting the victims, helping the
bullies to change, and changing the silent majority of children who are
the bystanders into a caring majority. It involves rewarding positive behaviors,
kindness, inclusion. In schools that it has been implemented, rates of
bullying incidences have dropped dramatically. Adults are the key to dealing
with bullying in school. Students understand clearly what's going on: who
the bullies are, who the victims are how the adults respond to bulling
Students will take their cues from the adults and will
respond accordingly. If we as adults take the time to listen to the students
and really find out what is going on and work with the students in bully-proofing
a school, we'll find the students cooperating and even helping to lead
Anthony A. at 2:52pm ET
I was verbally bullied in school. It never became physical
but the bullying was vicious and unrelenting involving ethnic and sexual
innuendo. Question: What LONG-TERM solution can a school do to bullies
who do NOT physically touch a "victim"? Remember: parents of bullies SUE
school districts just as readily as parents of victims.
GLENN STUTZKY at 2:54pm ET
Verbal bullying is a very vicious form of bullying. The
scars it leaves run deep and don't leave bruises of the body but leave
bruises on the soul and spirit. It's often this type of bullying that has
the greatest negative and long-lasting impact on an individual. Which makes
it extremely important that within a school's policy, all forms of bullying
are clearly described (including giving examples) so that it is well established
what the rules are and the consequences.
Then it is of great importance that the school actually
implement the policy in day-to-day life and not just have it be words on
paper. In dealing with the parents of a bully, it is crucial that a school
thoroughly investigate accusations of bullying, document the investigation,
along with statements from witnesses, and that the consequences for bullies
be graduated -- by that I mean not starting off with an overly severe form
of discipline. Bullies are a difficult population of students to discipline.
The usual discipline policies of punishment and isolation are probably
not the way to go. Schools need to deal with bullies with a "pro social
discipline approach" -- using consequences that teach, including the use
of positive acts that need to be accomplished by the bully in their discipline.
Have H. at 3:00pm ET
What are the long-term affects bullying can have on people?
In other words, what types of problems do adults who were bullied as children
suffer as adults - social anxiety, depression, substance abuse, etc.
GLENN STUTZKY at 3:02pm ET
Right now, we're in the beginning stages of studying
the impact of bullying on school-age children. One of the things that needs
to be looked at closely is this very question: How does being the victim
of a bully impact a person of their lifetime. We also need to initiate
research on how being a bully impacts a person throughout their lifetime.
At this point, there's been little long-term research on this issue. Personal
accounts of victims have indicated long-term problems with self-esteem
Sometimes the impact of being bullied doesn't fully come
out in school but in the workplace, where people who have been bullied
throughout their school years graduate and enter the workplace expecting
things in the "adult" world to be different. However many of them come
to find out that bullying is just as severe and real in the workplace.
While studies haven't yet been done on workplace violence, looking at the
role that bullying might play, it is likely that bullying plays a part
as a motivational factor in some of the workplace violence that we see
in this country as it has played a role in motivating violence in schools.
MODERATOR at 3:07pm ET
What are some of the reasons adults may not be responding
to bullying in the schools?
GLENN STUTZKY at 3:12pm ET
Many members of the present generation of adults working
in schools consider bullying to be a normal part of growing up, a rite
of passage, a developmental state, "boys being boys" -- they simply don't
see it as a serious issue. Secondly, their plates are more than full already.
As a society, we expect and demand so much from schools. Third: Very few
schools have a clear policy on the issue of bullying for teachers to follow.
Bullying hasn't been identified as a "real" problem -- so no problem, no
policy. Fourthly: Some staff may not be responding because it hasn't necessarily
been defined as part of their job to do so.
Also: There are real issues of liability. For example,
in situations where there is actual physical violence or fights, female
staff are more likely to break up the fight between girls than male staff
out of concern for allegations or charges of sexual harassment or inappropriate
MODERATOR at 3:17pm ET
Donna writes: "My son was also bullied. He was pushed
down a flight of stairs, had garbage emptied over his head, beat up, even
stabbed with a knife getting off a school bus. He's suffering from Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder now and is on several medications. I took him
out of public school and put him in a small private Christian school but
unfortunately so much damage has been done. Do you think it's possible
to have any recourse against the school?"
GLENN STUTZKY at 3:20pm ET
I'm not a lawyer, but if the nature and severity of bullying
has produced significant physical and emotional or psychological harm,
and if negligence on the part of the school system has been involved, a
parent could seek legal counsel to determine if there is a legitimate case
for damages. It is important that negligence be clearly established. Did
the school actually know about the bullying? Were they aware of it? Did
they see it? And were they deliberately indifferent to it? If so, did that
indifference lead to your child being harmed? This would have to be clearly
established in a court of law.
MODERATOR at 3:21pm ET
Peggy Ramos asks: "Are there any support groups for children
that are bullied?"
GLENN STUTZKY at 3:27pm ET
There are some sites on the Web where children can share their
stories and read other kids' stories. ...There are no national support groups that I know of at this time.
MODERATOR at 3:31pm ET
Many thanks to Glenn Stutzky and to all those who joined
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