I WISH I COULD REVERSE TIME
by Julian's Sissy, Tara - tarahouts
(at) yahoo (dot) com
Hi, my name is Tara and I am twenty three
years old. Twelve years ago, my beautiful little brother Julian
was born. He changed my life, and made me a better person. My mom often
had to work two or three jobs to support us, so Julian was like my own
child for most of my life. We did everything together. As he got older,
he would often accidentally call me 'mom' and always complain that I was
more of his mom than his older sister. Our family loves each other very
much, and we were happy together.
Julian always had problems in school. He was
often bullied, and we would always address it to the school, but we often
heard 'boys will be boys'. Julian could of been considered a 'loner'.
He always said he had no friends and complained about getting bullied in
school. We even put him in a private school at one time to try to make
things better for him, but it never was. He ended up hating school, he
never wanted to go. He was often labeled as 'weird' or 'different'. To
me, he was a sensitive, beautiful, original child. He was very intelligent
for his age, and we would have great conversations.
A year ago, I bought a duplex so that I could
be closer to my mother and little brother. They lived below my boyfriend
and I. Julian started in a new school, and he insisted it was better
there when we asked if he liked it. If only we knew.
Two months ago, on January 10th, Monday morning,
my mother found my brother hanging from his bunk bed, dead. His feet
were almost touching the ground. She came upstairs, before the police
even got there, and I woke up with the sound of her yelling into the phone,
and she had the worst look on her face, I knew something was terribly wrong.
She told me what was wrong, and I ran as fast as I could, thinking I might
help him, but he was gone, she said.
When Julian took his own life, I feel like
he took mine too. I think about him always, I am obsessed with him.
I miss him more than anything. I would of done anything for him.
And I never got to say good-bye. Life really hurts right now.
You know, we never would have expected this.
Not in a million years. All of my future, I pictured him in it. I always
thought I would die before him, I never questioned that. And we never had
any clues about what he intended to do. If we did, we would of helped him
to feel better. People think that it would be obvious if someone is suicidal,
but it isn't always.
Your website is so touching and helpful. I
cried reading all the stories of the other kids. I am so sorry that the
world has to be so cruel, that people can be so cruel to one another.
One of the children said that "Julian always
got picked on and teased at school." It breaks my heard into millions of
pieces. We have to do something to stop this brutality. We have to teach
by example to love each other, to have patience, tolerance, and understanding
of peoples differences... and perhaps our children are learning this bullying
behavior from adults... it has to begin with understanding, tolerance,
and love in grownup's too.
My heart breaks for my little brother, but
it breaks for all this cruelty in the world, and for the pain your family
and so many others family has to go through.
When someone decides to take their life, they
must understand they are taking their family and friends life too. Although
I would love to be with my little brother right away, I know I could never
as I would not put my family in such excruciating pain as we feel now.
It changes your life, it makes it feel emptier. The grief is crippling.
And nothing will make it better, except if time were reversed, and if Julian
was still with us.
Please don't! To all of those who are
thinking of it; I beg of you! Be with those who love you!
Heartbroken in Ohio