I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you're Shakespeare?
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were
they mad!
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but
she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could
scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Four years ago...no, it was yesterday.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and
I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think
so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me
if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
On the other hand, you have different fingers. Winny and I lived in
a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender,
you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to
pull off a sweater real quick.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park
it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance
upward]
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why
haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone
has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't
know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said,
"It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I can't stop thinking like this.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit
the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess
what he told me.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat-hanger.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over
a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over
and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
I was skydiving horizontally.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of
the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for He was a multi-millionaire. my birthday.
She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I lost a button hole today.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
My friend Winnie is a procras tinator. He didn't get his birthmark until
he was eight years old.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must
be really tired.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every
half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I
don't remember what it was.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing
here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
This isn't all true.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much
time.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores
me and keeps typing.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter
said, "Don't I know you?"
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so
I never have to go upstairs.
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