WORD PLAY
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
(LOVERS OF WORDS)
I wondered why
the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called
to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about
the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right
now.
The roundest knight
at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed
up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with
a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are
in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune
teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole
a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and
broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal
corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run
out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog
lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor
went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor
discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries
were given out free of charge.
If you take a
laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and
a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't
stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead
giveaway.
Time flies like
an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet
writes inverse.
In a democracy
it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing
the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay
your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage
she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano
falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is
hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell
onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell
onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck
with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network
in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into
song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days
are numbered.
A lot of money
is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is
hard to beat.
He had a photographic
memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a
high form of flattery.
Those who get
too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen
one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off
a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her
first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread
recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers
are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a
jab well done
